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Thread: Daily Jokes

  1. #21
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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene: What in the hell is that?
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Arlene: Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
    The pharmacist fainted.

  2. #22
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    Four men were sitting around a conference room table

    being interviewed for a job.

    The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you
    know of?'

    The first man replied, 'A thought.' It pops into your
    head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way;
    it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know
    of.'


    'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.


    'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.


    'Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!,' said the second man.

    'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever
    happened.

    A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'




    'Excellent!', said the interviewer. The blink of an
    eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed.'

    The interviewer then turned to the third man who was
    contemplating his reply.

    'Well,' said the third candidate, 'out on my dad's
    ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there
    is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way
    across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in
    an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I
    can think of.'


    The interviewer was very impressed with the third
    candidate's answer and thought he had found his man.



    'It's hard to beat the speed of light.', the
    interviewer said.


    Turning to the fourth man, he posed the
    same question.


    'After hearing the three previous answers, it's
    obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,'
    said the guy.


    'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


    'Oh, I can explain,' said the guy. You see, the
    other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the
    bathroom.
    But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the
    light, I **** my pants.'


    The guy got the job.

  3. #23
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    Excellent couple of jokes there fella! Had us rolling around with them 2

  4. #24
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    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello? '

    'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

    ' Yes,' whispered the small voice.
    May I talk with him?'

    The child whispered, 'No.'

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'

    'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

    'Yes , ' whispered the child, 'a policeman . '

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

    'No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

    'Busy doing what?'

    'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

    'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

    'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered,

    ' The search team just landed a helicopter'

    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

    'ME . '

  5. #25
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    The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

    The girl said, 'NO!'

    And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

    THE END

  6. #26
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    A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
    This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
    They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
    The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
    It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
    The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
    A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
    The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
    Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she pooops on you!'


    Send this to someone who needs a laugh.

  7. #27
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    Dear Jonathan Ross,

    I've shagged your daughter! Who's Laughing now....

    Lots of Love

    Gary Glitter

  8. #28
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    Halloween


    I have just painted my wellies silver and put them outside for tonight. The Little tikes wont come knocking at my door if they think Gary Glitter lives here!!!

  9. #29
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    hahaha brilliant mate

  10. #30
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    Japan's credit crunch
    Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and its repercussions here in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .

    In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

    Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

    While the Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

    Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

 

 

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