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Thread: Daily Jokes

  1. #11
    HJC Non Paid Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Horndean
    Name
    Timmy K
    Posts
    1,701

    Default

    Dad is out side cleaning his new car when his son comes out side to watch.

    "Wow Dad is that your new car?" asks the boy

    Dad responds "Yes it is Billy!"

    "Wow I bet that is really really fast, but what is that circular thing on the bonnet?" son pointing to the mercedes logo

    "Well Billy that is my eye sight for killing! When I see someone I dont like I line them up in my killing sight and bang the're dead!" states the dad

    "Cool Dad can we go out in it!" Asks Billy

    "Course we can go get your shoes on and we will go out"

    As the two drive along a quite road the dad who sees an elderly lady just about to cross the road ahead.

    "shall we see if the killing sight works Billy?" says the dad pointing at the old lady.

    Billy is really excited and watches his dad line up the old lady in the mercedes badge and just as he is about to hit the lady he swerves and avoides her but there is a loud bang!

    "What was that?" the dad asks

    "Didnt think much of your sight dad I had to use my door!!"

  2. #12
    Club Administrator
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Probably buying bit's for my GTR then shelving them
    Name
    Dave
    Posts
    23,344

    Default

    A guy goes to the Water Board to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

    He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'






    'Have you ever been in the military service?'

    Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq
    for two years.'

    The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

    The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'

    The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from
    8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'

    The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from
    8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

    This is a government job, ' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

  3. #13
    HJC Non Paid Member
    Join Date
    Jan 1970
    Location
    Diving up on the inside
    Name
    Jay
    Posts
    6,358

    Default

    rofl

  4. #14
    HJC Non Paid Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Romsey
    Posts
    8

    Default

    7 yr old and his 4 yr old bro are upstairs.
    7 yr old says "right i think its time we started swearing, when we go down for breakfast, ill swear first, then you go"
    4 yr old agrees.

    When they get downstairs, mum asks "what do you want for breakfast"?
    7 yr old replies "ill have coco pops Bitch"..............
    WHACK and hes on the floor crying.
    Mum turns to 4 yr old, "Right what do you want"?
    "I dont know" he replies
    "But im not having the f***ing coco pops.

  5. #15
    HJC Non Paid Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    WaterlooVtec
    Posts
    1,983

    Default


  6. #16
    HJC Non Paid Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Fareham
    Name
    Chuck Norris
    Posts
    2,332

    Default

    a grizzly bear walks into a pub and says to the barman can i have a pint of larger










































































































    and a packet of crisps,the barman says whats with the big pause.

    get it pause, paws,grizzly bear big paws never mind lol

  7. #17
    HJC Non Paid Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Fareham
    Name
    Chuck Norris
    Posts
    2,332

    Default

    whats E.T. short for












































    he's got little legs. he he

  8. #18
    Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Hants
    Name
    Chris
    Posts
    15,735

    Default

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
    He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

  9. #19
    Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Hants
    Name
    Chris
    Posts
    15,735

    Default

    A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

  10. #20
    Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Hants
    Name
    Chris
    Posts
    15,735

    Default

    Best read with a Japanese accent:
    Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!"
    The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.
    The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"
    Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person." Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"


    (Ok I know it's bad but it's Jap and car related. )

 

 

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